Of Strippers, Huskies, and the Drill

BEND, OR – I’m 54 now, at an age where I’d really feel pathetic if I walked into a strip club because it would pretty much confirm that I’m a dirty old man, but I went into Stars Cabaret anyway.

The place is filled with hot young girls, all of whom mess with your mind and your wallet. I found a seat near the stage but not right on top of it, making sure I could see the nude dancers and the Wisconsin-UNLV game at the same time.

Why anyone would watch a college football game when you’ve got naked chicks in front of you is proof that the Go 2 Guy is so far over the hill that he’s a speck in the distance. But it’s also proof that after all of these years, I can still use two clichés in one sentence, reaffirming my status as a hack journalist.

I feel a tap on my shoulder. Unfortunately it’s not one of the dancers.

“I’ve got UNLV and the points,” says the stranger, whose voice sounds familiar.

I look at the score – Wisconsin 51, UNLV 3 – and immediately ascertain that having UNLV and the points is not a good thing for this person or anyone else who bet against the Badgers.

I turn to acknowledge this man and still can’t make out who he is because it’s a dimly lit joint and I’m slightly hammered after pounding Kokanees at Bend Country Club all day.

He appears to be mostly disheveled, around my age, no doubt a loser of a man who probably has two divorces under his belt if he’s in this joint.

“Jesus Christ!” he shouts. “Don’t you know who I am?”

The scent of his cheap-whiskey breath appalls me. I take my eyes off of Nicky in her birthday suit and suddenly it comes to me. My God, it’s the Drill! My alter-ego, here in Bend, I’ll be damned!

The Drill and I separated in 1978 after we graduated from Washington State. I went on to do what I thought you were supposed to do in life – have a career, get married, get divorced, have kids, have a mid-life crisis, buy a home in a cul-de-sac.

The Drill did what I wanted to do but didn’t have the balls to do it – he moved to Mesquite, Nevada, and slept with hookers, bet with bookies and hung with drifters. He drank a lot of booze, played a lot of golf and one time mixed the two, temporarily shacking up with a beverage-cart girl named Shelley who must have been as desperate as he was.

Shelley dumped him like all of the others did – women want men who are ambitious, driven and rich, and the Drill is none of those things, preferring to be a penniless slacker.

Because he’s such a golf nut, the Drill hitchhiked here to play in the Pacific Amateur.

I gave him a great big bear hug. He’s my best friend and the biggest Coug fan and Husky hater I know.

“Hey man, did you go to that Raise the Woof thing last week and bark for Sark?” the Drill asks, laughing, already knowing my answer.

“Nope, didn’t make it,” I said.

The Drill can’t stand the Dawgs. He has a life-sized portrait of Tyrone Willingham on one of the few walls in his studio apartment, offering a daily reminder of the perfect 2008 season when the Huskies overcame all odds to finish 0-12.

He scoffs at Steve Sarkisian, believing that the Husky coach must have known about the Reggie Bush shenanigans at USC. He ridicules Nick Holt, the Huskies’ bald-headed defensive coordinator, calling him overpaid and overrated.

It utterly astounds him that Johnny Nansen is on the Huskies’ coaching staff because he played for the Cougs.

“That guy’s a traitor in my book!” the Drill says. “I wouldn’t work for the Dawgs if I was down to my last dime.”

“Well, aren’t you?” I ask.

“Aren’t I what?” he says.

“Down to your last dime,” I say.

“Nope,” the Drill says. “After taking UNLV, I’m down to my last nickel! I still wouldn’t take a job with Washington.”

“You wouldn’t take a job with anyone,” I say.

“Touche,” the Drill says, realizing that I know him better than he knows himself.

“You know what else bothers me about the Dawgs?” he asks.

At this point, I know what’s coming – a full-on assault of the Huskies. I order us a couple of Dirty Mothers – which takes us back to our days at Longacres – and sit back to enjoy the verbal barrage that’s coming.

“Who comes up with their dumb-ass slogans anyway?” he asks. “Last year it was ‘Go Purple. Be Gold.’ What the hell did that mean? They probably paid some ad agency six figures for that crap.

“Then this year, it’s just as bad if not worse – ‘Husky lives here.’ Are you flippin’ kidding me?!?!”

The Drill pauses to down his Dirty Mother and orders another. Desiree is doing some unbelievable things on the stripper pole, but she doesn’t distract the Drill. When he’s on a Husky rant, nothing can stop him.

“How about that Josh Shirley kid? Come on, man, Rick Neuheisel dismissed him from the team at UCLA. That can’t be a good thing, taking on a Slick Rick reject. If I were a U-Dub co-ed, I’d keep both hands on my purse.”

“That’s low,” I say to the Drill, knowing that he’ll continue to swing at the Huskies’ ankles anyway.

“All right then, let’s talk about Johri Fogerson,” the Drill says. “You know that siren they’ve got at Husky Stadium, the one they fire off when they score?”

“Yep,” I say. “Hate that damn thing.”

“Me too,” the Drill says. “And this year we’ll hear it more often.”

“Why?” I ask. “Because the Huskies are going to have a better offense?”

“Nope,” the Drill says. “They’re going to use it every time Fogerson’s in the game because they think it’ll make him run faster!”

The Drill’s laughing so hard that some of the Kahlua and cream from his Dirty Mother is bursting through his nostrils. And I have to admit that I’m guffawing too.

“What do you think about their plan to move students to the end zone after Husky Stadium is renovated?” I ask the Drill.

“That’s frickin’ brilliant!” he replies sarcastically. “They should never treat students like that. I know for a fact they will never do that to the students at Washington State. But it’s all about the almighty buck.”

The Drill is really on a roll. His eyes are slot-machine slits, bloodshot as usual. I figure it’s time to tee him up for one final drive, and I’m expecting a 300-yarder down the middle.

“Any thoughts on Bishop Sankey?” I ask.

“Any thoughts on Bishop Sankey,” the Drill says, repeating the question and pausing for the longest time before raising his voice, causing Desiree to stop whatever she was doing with the pole and glance in our direction.

“Yeah, I’ve got some thoughts on Bishop Sankey,” he says. “YOU DO NOT VERBALLY COMMIT TO WASHINGTON STATE AND BACK OUT OF IT TO PLAY FOR THE HUSKIES, GOD-DAMMIT!

“GO AHEAD AND BACK OUT IF YOU WANT – IF YOU DON’T WANT TO BE A COUG, WE DON’T WANT YOU ANYWAY – BUT DON’T BACK OUT AND PLAY FOR THE HUSKIES! PLAY FOR ANYONE ELSE, BUT NOT THE HUSKIES!”

The Drill is trembling. I take the Dirty Mother from his hand and place it on the table. I put my hand on his shoulder in a futile attempt to calm him down.

“I KNOW HE’S JUST A KID, BUT I WILL ROOT AGAINST HIM ‘TIL THE COWS COME HOME!”

A burly bouncer heads our way and tells me that my friend is no longer welcome at Stars Cabaret. Slumping in his chair, the Drill is worn out from his Sankey tirade. I lift him up and help him out the door.

I know he needs a place to stay so I offer him a ride to our rental house in Sunriver. We hop into my truck, and right when I think he’s about to pass out, the Drill has something else to say.

“Ya know, there is ONE thing I like about Washington.”

Upon hearing that, I almost drive off of Highway 97 into the lava fields.

“That new school preshident of theirsh; he sheems like a cool guy,” says the Drill, now slurring his words. “He’s 61 and he married a 38-year-old babe. Gotta give him an ‘attaboy’ for that!”

The Drill…God love him.

“Go Cougsh!” he says before drifting off to sleep.

29 Comments

  1. Clearly WSU prepared The Drill for his future better than it did you.

  2. Mike Price /

    You didn’t see me there?

  3. WSUgrillz /

    While kinda funny this just adds to our inferiority complex. Why can’t we have a little class?

  4. cougarfirstdown /

    I have always been a fan of yours but have to say this article just fills every stereotype we are trying to get rid of about Wazzu. Two old drunks sitting around a dirty strip club talking about how much they hate UW with 10 cents to their name?? I don’t know, just seems like the joke is more on us. I like to party and have visited a strip club or two but this story just makes you and Coug nation look like a bunch of drunk losers. Two thumbs down on this one man.

  5. Right On Jimbo!
    You I both share: husky hatred, golden retriever owners, same age, same initials…… frightening, but all explains why your writing has always entertained me so much.

    Thanx, keep on doing what you do, and Go Cougs!

  6. Chris the Coug /

    The Drill speaks the truth!!! Loved every line of it.

    Tuel be with you…

  7. Huskies! /

    Because you’re Coogs?

  8. Columbia County Coug /

    Just turned 54 myself and thought that was one of the Best coug rants EVER. Obviously WSUGrillz has no idea what CLASS is. Excellent Jimbo. You said it for all us old wazzu lovin’ bastards!

  9. GO COUGS /

    JEEZUZ People,

    Lighten Up already. Have a Dirty Mother and enjoy the season.

  10. RealNewsHound /

    The sad fact is that I gave up strip clubs when I realized that the girls there were now younger than my daughter. Besides, that’s a lousy strip club but a good place to watch a bad football game.

  11. Bend Cougar /

    Hey Jim, next time your in town we could have a Cougar Club gathering!

    Go Cougs

  12. LarryM5 /

    Man I needed that. Don’t ever stop Jim.

  13. Dean Wormer /

    Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, son. Unless you’re a coog….

  14. YIKinSD /

    To all the offended coeds, please remember this is a rivalry about beer and football, where the real COUGS will always win at least half the time. If liking alcohol, football and naked women is a stereotype you’re trying to rid yourselves of, please find another school and perhaps some gonads.

    • im a dawg and i too like alcohol, football, and naked women…at least we can agree on one thing…and i at least respect the cougs, but the ducks, dont get me started…

  15. Dee Snider /

    Love the Drill!

    It’s time …

    http://youtu.be/IpzhbuRY74E

    Go Cougs!

  16. I think you can catch a few seconds of The Drill in this older video about WSU orientation:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X8WcGwCIzTQ

  17. Look for him at around the 2:50 mark…

  18. sigmund freud /

    sounds to me like the go2guy had a couple too many drinks at the strip club, started thinking about what his life could have been, got a little uppity talking football, got himself kicked out, drove home drunk, and turned his shame the next day into an article about his “alter-ego”.

    how much money did you bet on UNLV, jim?

  19. Great article!

    People are WAAAY too uptight these days

    Football season is finally here!

    Wish I was on a first name basis with Miss Desiree :)

  20. Rmoults /

    That is so classic. What would I even need to say after that. You have completely embodied the essence of the perfect coug!
    Go dawgs!

  21. dawgman /

    wow what a classy coug fan.. just like the rest of you cougs.. ha……ha. just wait till november 26th well show you a good ole ass whoopin.

  22. TrueCoug /

    Just like you showed Eastern? Yikes. Nothin’ like a good reality check to bring the idiotic Mutts back down to earth.

  23. I’ve seen photos of your wife on FB and from links from this blog….and you actually paid to go to a strip club? To see attractive women nude?

    Seriously? When you could go home to a girl like that? Then you don’t deserve her. I hope you kids don’t find out about this.

    This is very disappointing. I’ve never, ever paid to see any woman nude or paid for their “attention” — even at my age (a few years shy of yours) and I will never do so.

    Maybe you sleep in separate bedrooms or something if you feel the need to go to a strip club.

    Sorry, Go2Guy, but you maybe you should be called Go2ClubGuy.

    • Jim F.: Good morning, thanks for visiting the website. I have been to the Stars Cabaret, several years ago, but not on this trip. Back then, I was watching the Kansas City-Seahawks game, that’s what made me think about the Wisconsin-UNLV game on the monitor. Not a regular visitor to strip clubs; used to go every once in a while in Houston; I’ll bet I’ve been in strip clubs maybe 20 times in my life. It was just a piece of fiction, loosely based around the one time I went to Stars. Thanks for your comments. Jim.

      • A piece of fiction…?

        “I’m 54 now, at an age where I’d really feel pathetic if I walked into a strip club because it would pretty much confirm that I’m a dirty old man, but I went into Stars Cabaret anyway.”

        Where does it say this is fiction?

  24. Jim,
    You should have called to play at Broken Top Club again.
    Enjoy your annual Pacific Amateur trip to C. Orygun.
    House-Divided Guy (e.g. Cougs/Dawgs) in Bend(over), OR(else).
    Tom

  25. You know you’re doing something right as a journalist/Coug when you’ve got Husky trolls following you, not only at the P.I., but now on your new blog just to bash WSU. Keep up the good work, Jimbo.

    P.S. When EWU puts up nearly 500 passing yards against the “darkhorse Pac-12 contenders” (HAHAHAHAHAHA), I have nothing but confidence in my Cougs come the Apple Cup. Guess who else likes to throw the ball, and has one of the best receiving corps in the conference? See you mutts in November :)

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